Well, today was so wierd I could’nt even begin to tell you if it was good or bad. I had so many mood swings it was terrible. A good friend of the church I attend passed away and we had a service for her this morning. I’m not going to lie, I did about cry. So then I came home and flirted a bit with this one girl. It always makes me feel terrible to flirt nowadays. I know I’ll hurt them in the end. It doesn’t even give me happiness to flirt anymore. Well then my sister came to my house and we went to get my little brother and nephew in Arcadia. A good little drive. I now know that if I eve did start to smoke I certainly have a sullier. There’s something good for me. So then I came home and became depressed. I kept having problems with this one girl and it’s all my fault. I need to control myself. I’ve figured something out though. In some sick way I actually enojy being depressed. I’ve always liked a bit of a darker side to things. I really think I am depressed, but I’m not going to go on about it. It happens. There’s only one thing I’m tired of: hurting others and then they think it’s all their fault. I’m so fucked up sometimes. Maybe I’m just sick.
3 years agoSo Scott’s over and he and I are playing a game. HIt seems like he plays more. His levels are longer I swear. Anyways, this week has been a bit different than others. It’s been a bit off, but I’ve gotten a few cool breaks. I missed school Wednesday I believe due to a bit of an illness. It was kind of fun though. I got to sit around all day doing nothing really. I thought about how I’ve been so dramatic about changing and what not. There’s nothing really needing change. I’m chilled. I didn’t have to wear my ROTC uniform this week and that made me damn happy. I’ll probably hear about it Monday if Colonel remembers, but we can hope he doesn’t ;).
Tonight’s been a bit random, but somewhat fun. I don’t feel the exact same about things as I used to a long time ago. It’s not so fresh and exciting, but everything new that I do is really enjoyable; even simple things. I’m so tired right now. This game is somewhat fun, but not too challenging.
I’m probably about to get off for the night. I can’t think of much else that is going on. I don’t have any rants on wanting to change or being new. I only want one thing. I just want new things to do. I’ve been so bored lately. Then again it is human nature to never be satisfied. So I’ll most likely be fine soon. It’s all good. Well goodbye what few people see this. I’ll rant about something else tomorrow.
3 years agoDespite all my previous posts about me changing and everything I think I’m just going to let what happens happen. I keep putting putting pressure on myself to feel things that I don’t feel. I’m just going to let control of it slip away and let it mold itself on its own. When I feel different about things I’ll kni, but intil then I’m just going to take things very slowly. I won’t rush anything. When it’s my time I’ll certainly know. Someday…
3 years agoWell today’s been loads of fun. I’ve sat on this couch for the last few hours. I’ve been a bit sick, but I’m glad I didn’t have to go to school. I wonder how i would’ve acted though. I’ve at least gotten plenty of time to think. I’ve figured out a few more things. I know what I at least have to do, but how I am supposed to do it I know not. I’ll get this soon I hope. I keep letting my doubts rule me. I’m going to fix it soon. I can change. I’ve gone so far and so deep into this that if I quit now it will destroy so much. I won’t do that. I refuse to. I may not see it now, but I know in the loong run I will appreciate the change I am making. I’ll see things clearly one day soon.
3 years agoHmm school was a bit different than usual. I was a bit shocked. I believe I’m changing, but all for the better. You see, usually I am a very unhappy person at school, but today I was in quite a good mood. I’m changing and it’s getting better. Perhaps maybe it’s finally my time to change. Maybe I’ve finally accepted everything that’s happened and I’m learning to let go of the past. I hate the past. It can destroy you and your future. I want nothing to do with the past. It’s over and done. What happened, happened. Today is a new day, a new view, a new change. I’m becoming what I feared I might never be again. I’m becoming the old me again. I’m getting what life I lost back. And I won’t stop til I have it all. I won’t look back.
3 years ago
